What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I will be 64.

I think the readers, may guess!

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Who is the most dangerous or evilest person of all time?

On the 31st of Jan this month .

She married twice! .

When she asked me how she looked .

What was your most embarrassing and humiliating bare bottom spanking?

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

What happens when you have paranoid schizophrenia?

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Was to survive, this bastard.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

What are some common historical misconceptions?

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

It was going to be , some day.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

So, i spoilt her more .

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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

She found it foreign!.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

What did someone say to you that instantly made you realize their life was in danger?

Why did i forgive my father ?

I don,t even have a pension.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

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As i do to all so called friends.?

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

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I write beautiful poetry .

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Which document should be pointed out to a holocaust denier?

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

So whats the point in blame.

My family never makes their pension either.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I was scared of men, in general

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I was very sick at this time too.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

She wouldn,t have been !

We all went to grammer schools

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

She was in good health!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

Would this be the day?

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

We were not on the streets..

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

My life is so biszare .

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

Im still living with it.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

I did it because my mum asked me too!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

He knew the spot.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I waited trembling.

I said to her

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

But it wasn’t much.

Comes on , in middle age.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

What did i know ?

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I couldn’t, believe it.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Put me off passion for life!!

I was 9 years of age.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

(And it was in our own minds.)

This is soul school!.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

She loved him until the end.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

And who doesn’t know suffering?

One cannot live in the past .

Ive learnt so much.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I could never make a relationship work though!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

But, we were locked up after school.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Who then, do I blame.?

But ive been too sick for many years..

All the time i was locked up.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

And i lived it daily.

I have no regrets .

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

He resisted the act ,that day.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

I was seconnd youngest,

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I never cut or harmed myself..

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

Especially a lifetime of it.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!